Diaries of a Philobat

When you were a child and could not sleep, or woke up from a dream, what did you imagine to soothe yourself and drift off?

Those images have hidden clues on our utmost needs and desires. I call them “self-lullabies”.

I’ve had several people tell me that, when they were around 6 or 7 years old, they would invoke scary fantasies, like horror stories, and that would help them fall asleep. Apparently, the adrenaline of danger gave them comfort and put them down. Being exposed to a danger that only existed in their minds perhaps gave them a false sense of mastery and that relaxed them. Or perhaps those fantasies serves as a discharge of their own aggression.

I had two versions of self-lullabies when I was six or seven:

1- I would make lists of things that would make me anxious and afraid.

2- I would create Disney versions of my teachers and friends, and direct a videoclip in my mind where everyone was loved, happy, beautiful and calm.

The terror and the fantasy, the fear and the wish. The darkness of impending violence and the purity of Disney Princesses.

I now know why that combination put me to sleep: It felt exactly like my mother’s arms.